Just a theory

There have been few updates regarding the shooting at the Pfizer campus in Chesterfield (for which I was interviewed). On Saturday it was reported that police found the gun in the building where the shooting occurred. Police still have not taken into custody any suspects.

I’ve gotta be honest here – there’s something fishy in Denmark about this whole incident. I suspect police were unsuccessful in catching the suspect as he fled the scene, not because he so skillfully eluded them but because he doesn’t exist! Here is my theory: the victim – a woman – brought a gun to work with her. While she was in the port-a-pottie (yes, the shooting occurred in a port-a-potty), she was handling the gun for some reason and it accidentally discharged – hitting her in the foot. Rather than take responsibility for the outcome of a sequence of incredibly stupid decisions, she concocted a story about a gunman that resulted in a campus-wide lockdown of ~1,000 employees and enlisted the resources of innumerable police officials, trained dogs, and helicopters for a phantom search. This seems a much more plausible scenario than what we currently have and explains…

  • …why the gunman wasn’t caught despite an immediate and overwhelming police response.  The campus is surrounded by several hundred acres of undeveloped woods and farmland – it seems hard to believe a person could have run through such an area quickly enough to escape detection.
  • …why the woman was shot in the foot – an unlikely target for a gunman unless the woman actually struggled with the gunman for control of the gun, which seems even more absurd.
  • …why no detailed description of the gunman was immediately available – hard to make one up on the fly!
  • …why the gun was found at the scene.  What gunman is going to shoot somebody and leave crucial evidence linking them to the crime at the scene while they themselves flee?

If I am wrong, then I will offer a public apology on this forum to the victim of the shooting.  If I am right, however, you heard it here first.  Stay tuned…

About Ted C. MacRae

Ted C. MacRae is a research entomologist by vocation and beetle taxonomist by avocation. Areas of expertise in the latter include worldwide jewel beetles (Buprestidae) and North American longhorned beetles (Cerambycidae). More recent work has focused on North American tiger beetles (Cicindelidae) and their distribution, ecology, and conservation.
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5 Responses to Just a theory

  1. rudy says:

    Interesting theory – but I would put my money on the ‘invisible man’. Oh wait…I take that back.

    Ted, I’m helping with a ‘Winter Commuting’ clinic at the Bike Swap Meet and was going to use your ‘winter cycling tips’ blog entry as one perspective, if its ok – let me know

  2. Hi Rudy — feel free to use my ‘winter cycling tips’ in whatever way you desire. It’s just my perspective, and I’m happy you find it useful.

  3. jim says:

    I think you are aware of my viewpoints on this.

    1) The gunman got away because he was on a very speedy bike and did not have to run through the woods.

    2) The gunman wanted the woman’s stylish Sidi’s and, when she refused to part with them, he shot her in the foot to spite her.

    3) There was no good description because the gunman was covered head to toe in winter cycling gear

    4) The gun was left at the scene because the gunman’s jersey pockets were full of extra clothing for the evening ride home. He couldn’t stick the gun in his shorts. Is that a gun in your lycra or are you just happy to see me.

    Dammit, Ted! Come clean. It will ease the burden you must be feeling. 🙂

  4. That’s pretty damned funny!!!

  5. Pingback: No longer a theory « Bikes Bugs and Bones

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