It’s May now, and the amateur bike racing season is in full swing. For this month’s column, the editors here at Bikes, Bugs, and Bones caught up with Ted the “BugMan”, fresh off finishing last weekend’s Missouri State Road Race. Ted was kind enough to sit down with our reporter for a few moments after the race to talk about how it went.
Bikes, Bugs, and Bones: So Ted, you decided to do the Masters 50+ race this year – why not the Cat 3 race?
Good Ted: Well, I decided it was time to step up and race with some real veterans. Those guys are smart, they’ve been around a long time and know all the tricks. If nothing else I figured it would be a good learning experience.
Bad Ted: – What a crock! You were just scared of all those Mesa kids – they’re freakin’ strong and weigh only 98 lbs. – ain’t no way you were gonna keep up with them as they rocketed up the big climb.
BBB: Well, how’d the race go?
GT: Not bad. I knew going into it that my fitness wasn’t where it needed to be yet, so considering that I’m pretty satisfied with how I did.
BT: – You liar, you sucked like a Hoover, and you’re pee owed!
BBB: Did you have any specific goals in mind for the race?
GT: Sure. Mostly I wanted to see how my fitness compares with the other guys at this point in the season. I got a late start on my training and then had some setbacks, so this was really just a reality check.
BT: Fess up, dude! You wanted to win that race – everybody wants to win and if they say otherwise they’re a liar!
BBB: So, what was your biggest challenge today?
GT: Well, the biggest challenge was not knowing the competition. I haven’t done much Masters racing yet, so I really didn’t know most of the guys I was racing with – it makes it hard to mark moves and know which breaks have the best chance of going.
BT: Yeah, right – fatso! You would’ve made the moves if you knew the guys, huh, tubolub? Your biggest challenge is that ring of blob around your gut. You know that thing in the bathroom that you step on – it has a dial and little numbers on it? USE IT, FATSO!
BBB: Did you learn anything that will help you later in the season?
GT: Yeah, I’m gonna tweak my training a little bit to address some of the issues that became apparent during the race. I still need to build some more endurance, it shouldn’t be a big deal.
BT: Oh, man – you’re making me nauseous – you didn’t learn anything except that fat slobs can’t climb!
BBB: I see you finished the race, that must be satisfying considering the obstacles you’ve faced in your training this year.
GT: Yes, absolutely. It was a tough day on a very tough course, so to be able to finish is quite satisfying. I just need to get some more racing miles in my legs and I’ll be good to go.
BT: Hah, what a load of crap! The only reason you finished is because you were stoopid enough to go ahead and do the 2nd lap even though you were long dropped. That’s not an accomplishment, that’s just obstinance!
BBB: What are your plans now?
GT: I’ll get some rest over the next few days and then tune up for next weekend’s race. It’s a time trial on my home turf, so I’m hoping to do well.
BT: Blah, blah, blah! First, you’re gonna go get yourself a couple of bratwursts, because apparently you’re not fat enough. Then you’re gonna go home and scarf down some Girl Scout cookies, because what’s racing without post-event gorging, right? Finally, you’ll spend the next few days thinking of some lame excuse why you didn’t do crap in the time trial.